Wait... what is it?

Amber: What is this?

Chloe: You don't know?

 

Amber: Well, I mean, I've seen some of these lying around the house, but I'm not clear... I mean... wait, is it?  It's not... wait.

 

Chloe: It's a baby.

Amber: I'm the baby.

Chloe: Not anymore.

Amber: There is literally no one that I don't hate right now.

Chloe: Don't worry - I got used to you.  This will be cake.

New Photos of the KitKat

Here's my little Amber in a new outfit from Gretchen and Brian... Thanks, guys! This outfit is Ed's current favorite for her!

This is another favorite outfit... Another one that wasn't hand-me-down. :-)

And here's one of the only smiles I've been able to capture digitally.

Chloe and Amber Post: Visiting with Grams and Grampa

Chloe: I like it when we get to visit with Grams and Grampa.

Amber: Me, too. Grams likes to naps with me.

Chloe: And I make her cook with me! I also like how Grampa does tricks and stuff.

Amber: Why do you think we don't see them very much?

Chloe: Mommy said it's because they like deer.

Amber: That's weird.

Chloe: I know. Anyway, I sure enjoyed seeing them. Grams said we are her girls!

Amber: That's Grampa. I can't do any of the tricks he's trying to teach Chloe. (But, I don't feel too bad, she's not too good at them either.)

Chloe: What did you say?

Amber: I said, "she's looking forward to Easter."

Chloe: That doesn't make any sense.

Amber: Dude, I'm a baby.

Amber: This outfit used to be Chloe's, but it's mine now.

Chloe: Yeah, anyway. Grams and I like to read books...

Amber: And she and I like to take naps. You exhaust both of us.

Chloe: What?

Amber: Nothing.

Chloe (glaring): I think you're just mad that you are too young for space travel. This is when Grams and I went to the moon.

Amber: You're wearing a colander on your head.

Chloe: It's my HELMET. You know, a positive attitude will carry you far, Amber.

Amber: I am positive! Especially when I'm playing with this awesome toy that Grams bought for me!!

Chloe: That is a really nice toy. I really want to get in there with you!

Amber: Back up. It's mine!

Chloe (privately to reader): Sigh. When Mommy and Daddy talked about being a big sister, they only mentioned the up side. She can be *such* a challenge.

Amber Post: An Update from "The Littlest One"

That's what Mommy says: "You're the littlest one we have!" That may be true, but I'm working on also being the most demanding one. Ha ha.

I'm in for some fierce competition on that front, though, from this one. Mommy says she is my Big Sister. She is very sweet to me and likes to touch my feet and give me hugs... but she's a little unrealistic in her expectations regarding my ability to play with her at my young age.

I'm working on it, though. Daddy and I do a lot of exercises together and he and Mommy are both helping me to get in my tummy time...

...I don't always like it.

I'm also trying to figure out what toys are. The other day, I kept reaching out and grabbing this, but Mommy had to remind herself that my flailing little hands grab all kinds of things if they are close enough.

Whoops. I'm starting to fuss again. My typist needs to pick me up. And I mean NOW. Later.

Amber's Arrival

Amber Katherine
Born Sunday, December 12, 2010, 2.38pm
7 lbs, 4 oz, 20 inches

I'm too tired to caption.

"Amber, ELEPHANT"

The other day, Chloe found an elephant toy in her room from when she was little(r). It's a stuffed animal, made by Lamaze toy company and while it's fine for her to play with, it was developmentally designed for a younger kid. She liked it a lot when she was a baby, so maybe that's what drew her attention to it. Anyway, this morning, she was walking around with it and showing it to me and saying, "My elephant." I said, "Yes, Chloe, that is your elephant... hey, do you think you might share your elephant with Amber?"

C: "Yes, Mommy."

H: "That is so nice of you, Chloe! Sharing is nice."

Chloe then grabbed at my turtleneck and started pulling.

C: "Pull up, Mommy, pull up!"

(That is what she says when she wants to converse with Amber or give her a kiss or something.)

So, I bared my tum and she thrust the elephant forward and said, "Amber, ELEPHANT."

I was trying so hard not to laugh and all I could come up with was this: "That is so nice, Chloe... it might work better when Amber is out though, right? It will be better when she's out so we can play with her. I mean, come on Amber, get out!"

C: "Get OUT, Amber!"

I couldn't agree more. LOL

Daughters and Toes

I hold my big toes up. I don't why, but frequently, my big toes are lifted up, higher than the others, pointing toward the sky. I never even realized that I do this until about 9 years ago when Ed noticed it, bent down and pushed a toe down. I do it so frequently that I once bust thru a pair of loafers.

My big toes are serious and should not be trifled with... but contrary to my husband's opinion, they are NOT indicative of having hobbit feet.

Anyway, when I delivered Chloe, they swept her away before I had a chance to see her. Our labor had been unconventional and lasted 39 hours from the time my membrane ruptured until she actually arrived. By the time she did make an appearance, they had assembled a small army of pediatric doctors in the corner of our room to stand by and make sure that she was ok. When they did all their tests and finally handed her to me, I saw that her big toe was held up, pointed toward the sky. I exclaimed, "Ed, her big toe is pointed up! She's my baby!"

Today, I discovered the most wonderful thing.

Amber has our toe.

The anatomy scan at 20 weeks is a really long ultrasound because they are measuring each tiny part of the baby and many parts of the mommy, too. So, I made it dry-eyed thru the four chambers of her heart beating, the umbilical cord connecting us, the kidneys, the fingers, the legs, the brain stem, the spine... and when we made it to this foot, that's when I started to cry.

We got our good news last week that everything is ok, but I didn't realize until today that in my secret heart, I didn't believe them.

When I saw that toe and paired it with the fact that she was swimming ALL OVER the place and kicking her feet and waving and when I saw this beautiful profile with the darling button nose:

I realized that my Amber is ok. She's my baby.

And I realized that my Aunt Joanne was right. When she heard my fears of "What if I don't love this baby as much as I love Chloe? What if Chloe and I have a special relationship that I don't feel for this baby?" she assured me that all mothers worry like that... and all mothers are delighted when they find out that their fears were groundless.

Years ago, there was a sitcom with Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser called "Mad About You" and they went thru an extensive process about how to name their new baby. They picked an awful name, let's be honest. I mean, it sucked. But the sentiment, I have discovered is true.

M.A.B.E.L.

Mommies always bring extra love.

(Ok, cheesy. But, I have a million hormones running thru me and right now, it feels profound. Leave me alone.)

As for us, I called Ed after the ultrasound with the words, "AMBER HAS THE TOE" and he was understandably like, "whaa?"

"Amber has the toe - Chloe's and my toe. She has it! And she's so beautiful and she's fine. She's totally fine. She's our baby. She's perfect. She's beautiful. She's totally fine..." etc. to which he replied, "And so the reason that you are crying is that you are happy, right? And everything is ok? You're just really happy, right?"

I sure am.

On Exhaling

The week before the July 4th weekend, I was having a really rough week. I was feeling very stressed at work, it was so hot, I wasn't sleeping well. To top it off, I kept having really bad stress dreams. Things I don't want to type for fear it will set them into motion. So, I guess it's no surprise that in the middle of that week, I woke up from a sound sleep in the middle of a ridiculous panic attack, which sent us scrambling to the ER at 11.30 at night.

I've never experienced a panic attack before (and would love to avoid them in the future), but it wasn't the first thing that was different about this pregnancy. I've felt all the things you expect - the exhaustion, the overheating, the heartburn. But this time, I had more nausea, continue to have more food aversions and then this panic attack.

The next day, I planned to alternately work and sleep from home and just as I was about to lie down for a rest, my cell phone rang. Our genetic counselor was calling to say that on my second blood screening, our risk factor had changed for the worse for having a baby with Down's Syndrome (Trisomy 21). The odds were still on our side with a less than 1% chance of it happening, but if I did want to have an amnio, she had scheduled one for the next afternoon.

As Ed so rightly pointed out, we were still in the information gathering stage, but I fell apart anyway. Was this why this pregnancy felt different? What if my panic attack was caused for a good reason? And of course, that nagging thing that lives in the back of every mother's head and heart at all times: did I do something to hurt my baby?

I had never wanted an amnio. The process felt alien and wrong to me. And I planned to never get one... unless my genetic screening gave reason for alarm. Then, of course, you are confronted with all the thoughts surrounding your pro/con list, the biggest of which being: "What will I do with this information once i have it?"

Let's get two things straight right now:

1) I am pro-choice. Always have been, likely always will be.
2) I *hate* the idea of having an abortion.

I know that some people would abort after getting results that show any of the Trisomy conditions and I'm not in a position to judge them or say what's right. I can only speak to what would be right for me. And the "quickening" started with this baby around 16 weeks. I can feel the baby. The other night, I got a small kick and I tapped back and got another kick in response. It's my baby.

So, why find out at all? Why risk introducing infection and the chance (albeit slim) of a miscarriage? I think just so I could have a better chance at sleeping thru the night without anymore panic attacks. And so I could feel relief flood thru me when my incredibly favorable odds did in fact work in my favor... or so that I could rally my troops and set up all forms of support for our family if those odds worked against me.

I didn't really realize how long I'd been holding my breath or how possible it was to walk around and live your life while the odds are playing themselves out in a petri dish I don't get to see or examine.

And I know that I am incredibly lucky in my life. I have a husband who is incredibly wonderful at supporting a pregnant wife... those that know him might not realize how in tune he is to everything that is happening in my body or how well he knows how to support me when I'm guilt-ridden or crazy or crying or screaming. I think seeing him in the day-to-day, you don't get to see all the gentle, beautiful things that live and breathe inside him. And I do. And that makes me lucky.

Plus, we have good jobs, great benefits and a house we're working the kinks out of slowly but surely. In this day and age, so many people don't have any of those things. And that makes me lucky.

And of course, we have Chloe. I don't know if she is the most beautiful, smartest, silliest, sassiest, coolest 18 month old on the planet or if Ed and I just think she is... but we do think she is and we get to be her parents. And that makes me so lucky.

Did I really deserve to get lucky AGAIN? After finding my soul mate, marrying a little later in life and having a baby late in life who was completely healthy, do I really get to be that lucky for a second time? When so many others don't?

I don't know how or why it is possible that I should be... I just thank the good Lord that I am.

Amber Katherine has 46 chromosomes in every single cell and no sign of anything wrong with her at all. And that makes me lucky.



(P.S. I probably should have said that 46 chromosomes is the "normal" number for each cell - I forget that not everyone is reading about this stuff as obsessively as we are. LOL)

20 Weeks: It's a Girl!!!

Ed was right! When we went to the ultrasound appointment on September 15, we found out that we're having a little baby girl! We are both so excited and I began immediately searching out cute pink outfits online.


It was fantastic to see her on the ultrasound screen. The detail is amazing - not only could we see her heart, but we could see all 4 chambers of it. We saw her organs and her tiny feet and hands and she looked just perfect. Ed now truly believes me that there is a baby in there!