Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Chloe and Amber, Stay the Hell Home

"The No-Kids-Allowed Movement is Spreading"

What's upsetting is not that restaurants, resorts and other establishments are adopting "no kids allowed" policies, but that they feel the need to do so.

It never fails to amaze me when I see parents drag four year olds to horror movies or bring toddlers learning to master finger food to a fancy restaurant and then expect those children to not scream in fear and beg to leave or throw food at a waiter. And then, the parents KEEP ON with their evening as if it is not happening.

To quote every single mother of a child my age, "I *will* turn this car around."

People always remark to me how well-behaved Chloe is when we are out. You know why that is? She likes being out and she knows that we are When Chloe has thrown a fit in a restaurant, we remove her from the restaurant. When Chloe has insisted on whining and throwing sand at her sister after repeated admonishments, we remove her from the beach.


And here's the other thing: we don't take our kids to the Four Seasons for tea and expect them to fold their napkins perfectly. We take them to Applebees where they hand out crayons. We don't take our kids to a movie that is not appropriate for them and then expect them to watch it quietly. We take them to animated things that I don't give a shit about because it is what *is* appropriate for them.

If more parents were willing to take responsibility for their kids' behavior, make choices that don't suck and turn the Goddamn car around once in awhile, no business would have to make these policies.

But, then I wouldn't get to pretend I'm all high and mighty either.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I finally figured out who Amber looks like...









Kewpie. :-)

Look at those cheeks! Looks at that adorable nose! Look at that slight chin! Look at that hairline!

Of course, my little Kewpie Amber wouldn't smile for me to complete the comparison... here is one with her smiling.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Water Babies

Chloe: I love to swim! So, Mommy and Daddy said that I have to learn officially... which is why we go to Water Babies class! I kick my legs, paddle with my arms, blow bubbles, swim on my back and play with toys. It is so fun!

Chloe: Here I am blowing bubbles... which are hard to capture.

Chloe: Look at me go!

Chloe: Apparently, Mommy's boobies also came to Water Babies class.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Actual conversation... And a hypothesized ending

Chloe: Mommy, Amber like this food.

Mommy: What food?

Chloe: My food. Amber like it.

Mommy: What do you mean? Wait... Do you mean her bottle or the lemon pez?

Chloe: Lemon pez.

Mommy: Wait... You didn't... Oh, you did...

(mommy crosses room and removes well-sucked on lemon pez from mouth of 7 month old.)


Thursday, July 7, 2011

Surfin' USA

Chloe: If I can just sort of... get up here... I think... that...

Chloe: Guess not.

Chloe: Surfing is hard!

Amber: How hard can it really be? I mean, we're in a foot of water, there's no tide, there's no jellyfish, there's nothing. Just do it!

Chloe: If you think it's so easy, why don't you try it?

Amber: Ok, I will.

(silence from Amber)

Chloe: Well?

Amber: Um...

Chloe: As I thought.

Amber: Let's just stand here and look cute. I don't have to work so hard to hold up my head to just look cute.

Chloe: Agreed - that comes naturally.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Amber's First Fourth

American Cutie: Yay, my first Fourth! We're all dressed up for a party at school!

America's Sweetheart: It's true - it should be really fun.

American Cutie: What will we be doing today?

America's Sweetheart: Well, I will be playing in the sprinklers, eating pizza and then capping it all off with an ice cream party!!

American Cutie: What about me?

America's Sweetheart: You'll be in the baby room in that exersaucer thing.

American Cutie: But, I do that everyday!

America's Sweetheart: True.

American Cutie: When will holidays stop sucking?

America's Sweetheart: Around the time you can walk.

American Cutie: When will that be?

America's Sweetheart: I have no idea. Mommy assures me that you won't stay a baby forever, but I don't know if I believe her.

American Cutie: I've been a baby my whole life!

America's Sweetheart: My point exactly.

American Cutie: Will you sneak me some ice cream?

America's Sweetheart: I'll try, but they fixed the gate.

American Cutie: What is this, the third world or something? We are celebrating INDEPENDENCE DAY, aren't we?

America's Sweetheart: Seriously.