Friday, July 30, 2010

Daughters and Toes

I hold my big toes up. I don't why, but frequently, my big toes are lifted up, higher than the others, pointing toward the sky. I never even realized that I do this until about 9 years ago when Ed noticed it, bent down and pushed a toe down. I do it so frequently that I once bust thru a pair of loafers.

My big toes are serious and should not be trifled with... but contrary to my husband's opinion, they are NOT indicative of having hobbit feet.

Anyway, when I delivered Chloe, they swept her away before I had a chance to see her. Our labor had been unconventional and lasted 39 hours from the time my membrane ruptured until she actually arrived. By the time she did make an appearance, they had assembled a small army of pediatric doctors in the corner of our room to stand by and make sure that she was ok. When they did all their tests and finally handed her to me, I saw that her big toe was held up, pointed toward the sky. I exclaimed, "Ed, her big toe is pointed up! She's my baby!"

Today, I discovered the most wonderful thing.

Amber has our toe.

The anatomy scan at 20 weeks is a really long ultrasound because they are measuring each tiny part of the baby and many parts of the mommy, too. So, I made it dry-eyed thru the four chambers of her heart beating, the umbilical cord connecting us, the kidneys, the fingers, the legs, the brain stem, the spine... and when we made it to this foot, that's when I started to cry.

We got our good news last week that everything is ok, but I didn't realize until today that in my secret heart, I didn't believe them.

When I saw that toe and paired it with the fact that she was swimming ALL OVER the place and kicking her feet and waving and when I saw this beautiful profile with the darling button nose:

I realized that my Amber is ok. She's my baby.

And I realized that my Aunt Joanne was right. When she heard my fears of "What if I don't love this baby as much as I love Chloe? What if Chloe and I have a special relationship that I don't feel for this baby?" she assured me that all mothers worry like that... and all mothers are delighted when they find out that their fears were groundless.

Years ago, there was a sitcom with Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser called "Mad About You" and they went thru an extensive process about how to name their new baby. They picked an awful name, let's be honest. I mean, it sucked. But the sentiment, I have discovered is true.


Mommies always bring extra love.

(Ok, cheesy. But, I have a million hormones running thru me and right now, it feels profound. Leave me alone.)

As for us, I called Ed after the ultrasound with the words, "AMBER HAS THE TOE" and he was understandably like, "whaa?"

"Amber has the toe - Chloe's and my toe. She has it! And she's so beautiful and she's fine. She's totally fine. She's our baby. She's perfect. She's beautiful. She's totally fine..." etc. to which he replied, "And so the reason that you are crying is that you are happy, right? And everything is ok? You're just really happy, right?"

I sure am.


Anonymous said...

zomg, I have the toe too! I goof up all of my shoes that way. How cute.

I'm not gonna lie--the picture makes it look like you're having an otter.

But a CUTE otter!

Meghan said...

I too wondered if it was possible to love another one like your first, probably the biggest worry for me. But when our little girl made her big entrance, all the worry went out the window.there is never a shortage of that mom love. And the first time brother and sister met it was one of the most emotional heartwarming moments of my life. I wish I could have bottled it.

vinobaby said...